Having a stubborn child is really a difficult problem. And it is not uncommon for parents to find themselves helpless in successfully dealing with it. Often this turns violent in some form and it destroys the peace of one’s home. Let’s try to break the ice and find ways to deal with this common parenting problem.
1. Identify the Root Cause
Often children who are stubborn lack proper expression of their feelings. Either they fail to identify their own feeling or they are unable to convey it to others. As a result, they persist in some sort of negative behavior. Which is why they are often mistaken and misunderstood to be naughty or disrespectful.
This can easily be resolved by talking to the child in a peaceful environment. When you start the conversation try to talk about what he or she likes, then slowly move to what bothers him or her. It’s very important at this stage that you avoid jumping to conclusions and or start giving advice. Let the child speak and express.
This will allow him to understand his own self and his feelings. He might try to hide behind the bushes during the conversation and he might as well try to reason with his behavior but do not lose your cool. You must keep your emotions and ego aside. Let him speak. Once you think he has opened up ask him what can be done to deal with negative emotions. Let him suggestions first. Of course, he needs your advice at this stage.
So slowly start suggesting to him the right way to express negative emotions or how to control wants or how to accept a no from others. You will be surprised how well children respond to such sessions. They desperately want help from others without even knowing it.
2. Set Rules
The next step is to set rules for the house. It is very important for you to know what rules you want. Don’t make everything a rule and don’t give up on the necessary ones. Every house has its own set of things which they think are compulsory.
For some, sleeping early is important and for others everyone being present at the dining table at dinner time is important. Know your set of rules and then note them down. If you have children of different age groups you can have different rules based on age.
For example, every child older than 7 must at least pray all five fard, and those less than 7 can have silent meditation or zikr minutes or teach them some Islamic practices. While taking rules it’s important to involve your kids so that they know what goes in the list.
3. Be Persistent
Once you set the rules stick to it. This is perhaps the most important and the most failed step by a lot of parents. If you fail here your entire plan is shattered. And you are left with a more stubborn child. When a rule is made it must be followed, whether your child throws a tantrum or he quits the meal or he is just arguing or crying.
Whatever it is you must not back down. Just be patient and persistent. Keep your emotions aside and say sorry dear but that’s a rule. At this stage, it’s very important to realize that making rules is not fun. you don’t want to make a rule which you can easily give up on. For example: if you made a rule that no chocolate on weekdays and once your child starts crying for a chocolate you yourself pop one into his mouth.
If you can’t stick to it don’t make it. Also, it is important to know that don’t make everything a rule. You don’t want your children to feel as if they are leaving in jail, not at home. Allah made a few things fard and a few things optional. So just follow this. Once your child knows that the rules are bound to be followed, he will be more disciplined, more tolerant towards accepting no from others, and less stubborn.
Also read: How to teach children not to lie
4. Don’t be Harsh
It is very difficult not to react to a stubborn child but know that your negative reaction will only escalate the problem. The mixture of tolerance, patience, and persistence is an answer for a stubborn child. Scolding, screaming, and hitting can make things worst. So leave the room if you feel you will explode and come back later to deal with the situation. Try not to discipline or reason a child who is throwing a tantrum let him calm down a bit then try explaining. Till then just be emphatic and persistent.
5. Make Dua
It’s important to make dua for our kids. It is also important to do an abundance of Istegfar for often our sins lead us to bad situations. Making dua for kids is a must everyday thing. Please make lots of dua for your children for their Aqirah, for their character for them being good Muslims and good humans, and for their Duniya, for their mental physical, and psychological health. Give dua when they behave well so that they know u appreciate and value their good behavior.
Here are some powerful Duas you can make for your children:
اللَّهُمَّ لَا سَهْلَ إلاَّ مَا جَعَلْتَهُ سَهْلاً، وأنْتَ تَجْعَلُ الحَزْنَ إذَا شِئْتَ سَهْلاً
“Oh Allah! Nothing is easy except what you have made easy. If you wish, you can make the difficult easy.”
رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامً
“Our Lord! Bless us with pious spouses and offspring who will be the coolness of our eyes, and make us models for the righteous.”
رَبِّ أَوْزِعْنِي أَنْ أَشْكُرَ نِعْمَتَكَ الَّتِي أَنْعَمْتَ عَلَيَّ وَعَلَىٰ وَالِدَيَّ وَأَنْ أَعْمَلَ صَالِحًا تَرْضَاهُ وَأَصْلِحْ لِي فِي ذُرِّيَّتِي ۖ إِنِّي تُبْتُ إِلَيْكَ وَإِنِّي مِنَ الْمُسْلِمِينl
“My Lord, enable me to be grateful for Your favour which You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents and to work the righteousness of which You will approve and make righteous for me my offspring. Indeed, I have repented to You, and indeed, I am of the Muslims.”
رَبَّنَا وَاجْعَلْنَا مُسْلِمَيْنِ لَكَ وَمِنْ ذُرِّيَّتِنَا أُمَّةً مُسْلِمَةً لَكَ وَأَرِنَا مَنَاسِكَنَا وَتُبْ عَلَيْنَا ۖ إِنَّكَ أَنْتَ التَّوَّابُ الرَّحِيمُ
“Our Lord! Make us both (fully) submit to You and from our descendants a nation that will submit to You. Show us our rituals, and accept our repentance. You are truly the Acceptor of Repentance, Most Merciful.”
رَبِّ اجْعَلْنِي مُقِيمَ الصَّلَاةِ وَمِنْ ذُرِّيَّتِي ۚ رَبَّنَا وَتَقَبَّلْ دُعَاءِ
“My Lord, make me an establisher of prayer, and from my descendants. Our Lord, and accept my supplication.”
